myDIARY

Eventually I'll learn how to put a real table of contents right here that you can click on.

#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23

#2- Growing up and breaking up

#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23

08/13/25

I'm coming up on my 24th birthday. Call me crazy, but I really do feel, in real time, like I'm growing up. I feel my brain maturing.

One big reason I feel like this is because of the way I'm starting to appreciate media. My media literacy is becoming more personal, in a way (when I want it to be). Is this a good thing? Who's really to say? But I do know I like what it's making me feel.

Before, I never felt truly immersed in media like all my friends did. The way they felt about Justin Bieber, One Direction, Taylor Swift, certain movie and TV shows, I never felt like that. I felt left out, but I am nothing if not honest. I was never a fangirl. But I wanted to be. If I can't honestly fangirl over things, I just won't. I could totally see where they were coming from, but I never understood how it was that serious...

I think because I am growing up, experiencing more life, I'm meeting new emotions and am finally able to connect deeper with media now. Music, movies, tv shows, and books are helping me realize things about myself and my emotions. One of the most recent feelings I've unlocked is ~yearning~.

What unlocked this feeling you may be wondering? Oh just "The Summer I Turned Pretty" season 3 episode 5. The way Conrad sees her. The episode so was beautifully shot. She was golden, she was glowing, she was beautiful. I yearn for someone to see me like he sees her. I yearn for someone to love me like he loves her. I want my life to feel like the way he sees her.

I know it may sound like I'm just yearning for love, but I think what I'm really yearning for is true happiness in life. I think that if I live my life like the way Conrad sees Belly, I will be happy. Live my life romantically. Seeing the beauty in things, and doing things to make myself feel like that.

I've struggled with figuring out my true passions and deciding what I want my life to look like. What do I see for myself in 5 years? I don't know! That's what I'm trying to find. Being able to feel media in this way is getting me one step closer. I'm accepting these feelings that I used to think were silly and unrealistic. This is what they mean by healing your inner child. This is (part of) what that means for me.

And that's the funny thing about life. It truly can be whatever you want it to be, you just have to make it that! I'm on my journey! And I hope you are too.

#2- Growing up and breaking up

09/10/25

One of the joys of growing older, I'm starting to realize, is that you actually start to live through emotions and feelings you've always heard about. I have always tangentially related to things people talk about (like breakups), but I never truly knew what it was like (until now). I felt similarly to the feeling of yearning a couple weeks ago. As the days pass, I'm truly feeling extremely grateful to be able to live through and feel these human emotions.

I used to be a serial dating app dater. Meaning, I loved flirting, talking to, and going on dates with people, but never actually being in a relationship them. Whether that was because I didn't want to be tied down or none of them were worthy, we'll never really know. I recently went through my first real breakup from my first long term relationship. I've never had to navigate these feelings for myself, but there's a sense of familiarity because my friends are always talking about them. It is way different when you're the one living in these emotions.

I always thought (up until now) that I would be chill about this. I don't care if you date someone else. I'm happy for you! Which, to some extent, are true of course, but I'm realizing... I don't have to do that. Even though this was all my idea in the first place, I'm still allowed to be hurt and have sad breakup feelings.

One thing that has always lingered in the back of my mind is that I don't really know what true love looks like. My parents were never together after I was born, so I didn't grow up seeing parents in love. Sure, I had friend's parents to look up to, but that can't be close to what it would've been if it were happening in my house. A big insecurity of mine in relationships, I'm now realizing, is that I don't know what this is supposed to look or feel like. Sure, every relationship is different, but I'm starting from ground zero. In some ways, I'm extremely grateful for this because it allows me to form my own relationship with love. I can make it what I want it to be for me. At the same time, part of me wishes I had a little bit of a reference to start with.

I've said this before and I will always mean it, I am who I am because of my friends. I admire each of my close friends so much, and feel like not only am I seeing myself in them, but they influence who I am so much. Does this make sense? Cannabis-induced train of thought incoming btw. I'm just describing friendship. Lol.

All of this to say, part of me has been wondering what it would be like to have had my close friends around me the whole time I was in the relationship. It got to a point where I was in a new city, wasn't living with people I knew and loved, and didn't really have any close friends in the same city at the time. This lead me to fully invest all of my time into me in the relationship. By the time I made close friends and my best friend got back to town, we were broken up.

Now, I finally feel like Nashville is becoming home. For so long I thought I hated it. Now that I have my friends, I am so much happier, and have things to do outside of a relationship. I wonder who I would be. I wonder if I would still spend so much time focused on prioritizing time with my significant other, or if I would stay true to myself outside of that (because I have the influence of my friends in real life).

All of these feelings are making me grateful for what I'm experiencing and makes me want to live my life to the fullest. Of course it sucks, but I'm now imagining how boring life would be if I never felt these emotions. Life is a beautiful thing and as I grow older I'm starting to truly appreciate every aspect of it.