myDIARY

Eventually I'll learn how to put a real table of contents right here that you can click on.

#3- Growing up and breaking up

#2- Growing up and breaking up

#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23

#3- Hey

02/15/26

Hi. Long time no diary. Where oh where do I even begin.

I just read my other two entries. Enough time has passed where I can look back and see the different headspace(s) I was in when I wrote those. Since then, I have moved to a new house, decorated the room of my dreams, and I'm a little further down the road of figuring out what I want to do with my life.

Who is Abigail Rucker at 24? That's the big question I've been trying to find an answer to.

How am I doing this? I'm saying yes a lot more. This helps me break my routine and naturally creates new life opportunities and experiences. It has been awesome. I'm finding my sparkle and it is an amazing feeling. I'm in a season of loving learning about myself. I think it's a beautiful thing to live life pursuing your dreams. It makes life feel purposeful and gives me a sense of direction. Moving to Nashville had felt like I was floating in a cloudy abyss until I started changing my mindset. Floating wasn't so bad, but it was getting boring and honestly kinda pathetic. I like living life with a purpose.

Here are some things I've learned about my 24 year old self so far:

-I want my career to be creative. I need to be passionate about my work. This I always knew, I just didn't really know what that would look like. I love to make people feel confident through digital creation. I especially love to do this for divas. I am good at dreaming up a vibe. So I think I need to be a creative director. I learned this about myself through finding my love for Instagram. I've always loved Instagram, but I've recently starting using it in a different way than I ever have. Almost like a portfolio. Yes, this is done allllll the time, especially for creatives, but I didn't know how to go about it for myself. I haven't really done much work for other people, but I've created so much digital content revolving around ~myself~. I'm just so obsessed! So... in order to showcase my skills, I've started creating awesome things of me for my Instagram. This not only makes my Instagram a fun creative hobby, but also gives me something I can actually show for myself in a more professional way. Idk. It's been fun and has helped me get back into creating. It is hard sometimes in a silly way because I force Cate to take pictures of me all the time so I have something to edit. I do just love being in front of the camera. What a beautiful blessing.

-I want to be a popstar so bad. I've always wanted this. The only problem is that I can't sing or dance. BUT I honestly think if I just started taking lessons I could do both of those things. I'm not a horrible singer. I'm not great, but it could definitely be worse (especially since I started learning lyrics to songs and can understand what they're about and can add more emotion into my performances in my car, bedroom, shower, etc.). I'm going to a dance class this week. I'm so excited. If this is my dream, why not take steps towards achieving it? Imagine how awesome life would be if I made my biggest dream come true!!!! Oh, but I also don't know how to write music. But I could learn!!!!

Ok, honestly I'm tired and fingers have done too much typing. I would LOVE to talk to you about any of this in further detail if you so wish. Talk to me!!!!!!!!

xoxo

#2- Growing up and breaking up

09/10/25

One of the joys of growing older is that you actually start to live through emotions and feelings you've always heard about. I have always tangentially related to things people talk about (like breakups), but I never truly knew what it was like (until now). I felt similarly to the feeling of yearning a couple weeks ago. As the days pass, I'm truly feeling extremely grateful to be able to live through and feel these human emotions.

I used to be a serial dating app dater. Meaning-- I loved flirting, talking to, and going on dates with people, but never actually being in a relationship them. Whether that was because I didn't want to be tied down or none of them were worthy, we'll never really know. I recently went through my first real breakup from my first long term relationship. I've never had to navigate these feelings for myself, but there's a sense of familiarity because my friends are always talking about them. It is way different when you're the one living in these emotions.

One thing that has always lingered in the back of my mind is that I don't really know what true love looks like. My parents seperated basically right when I was born, so I didn't grow up seeing parents in love. Sure, my friends had parents I could look up to for this kind of thing, but that's from afar. A big insecurity of mine in relationships ~I'm now realizing~ is that I don't know what this is supposed to look or feel like. Sure, every relationship is different, but I'm starting from ground zero. In some ways, I'm extremely grateful for this because it allows me to form my own relationship with love. I can make it what I want it to be for me. At the same time, part of me wishes I had a little bit of a reference to start with.

I've said this before and I will always mean it, I am who I am because of my friends. I admire each of my close friends so much. I not only see myself in them, but they influence who I am SO much.

Does this make sense? Cannabis-induced train of thought incoming btw. I just described friendship. Lol.

All of this to say, part of me has been wondering what it would be like to have had my close friends around me the whole time I was in the relationship. It got to a point where I was in a new city, wasn't living with people I knew and loved, and didn't really have any close friends in the same city at the time. This lead me to fully invest all of my time into me in the relationship. By the time I made close friends and my best friend got back to town, we were broken up.

Now, I finally feel like Nashville is becoming home. For so long I thought I hated it. Now that I have my friends, I am so much happier, and have things to do outside of a relationship. I wonder if I still would have spent so much time focused on prioritizing time with my boyfriend if I had this community around me the whole time.

All of these feelings are making me grateful for what I'm experiencing and makes me want to live my life to the fullest. Of course it sucks, but I'm now imagining how boring life would be if I never felt these emotions. Life is a beautiful thing and as I grow older I'm starting to truly appreciate every aspect of it.

xoxo

#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23

08/13/25

I'm coming up on my 24th birthday. Call me crazy, but I really do feel, in real time, like I'm growing up. I feel my brain maturing.

One big reason I feel like this is because of the way I'm starting to appreciate media.

Before, I never felt truly immersed in media like all my friends did. The way they felt about Justin Bieber, One Direction, Taylor Swift, certain movies and TV shows, I never felt like that. I felt left out, but not enough to really care that much. I was never a fangirl. But I wanted to be. If I can't honestly fangirl over things, I just won't. I could totally see where they were coming from, but I never understood how it was that serious...

I think because I am growing up, experiencing more life, I'm meeting new emotions and am finally able to connect deeper with media now. Music, movies, tv shows, and books are helping me realize things about myself and my emotions. One of the most recent feelings I've unlocked is ~yearning~.

What unlocked this feeling you may be wondering? Oh just "The Summer I Turned Pretty" season 3 episode 5. The way Conrad sees her. The episode so was beautifully shot. She was golden, she was glowing, she was beautiful. I yearn for someone to see me like he sees her. I yearn for someone to love me like he loves her. I want my life to feel like the way he sees her.

I know it may sound like I'm just yearning for love, but I think what I'm really yearning for is true happiness in life. I think that if I live my life like the way Conrad sees Belly, I will be happy. Live my life romantically. Seeing the beauty in things, and doing things to make myself feel like that. Pure Bliss!

I've struggled with figuring out my true passions and deciding what I want my life to look like. What do I see for myself in 5 years? I don't know! That's what I'm trying to find. Being able to feel media in this way is getting me one step closer. I'm accepting these feelings that I used to think were silly and unrealistic. This is what they mean by healing your inner child.

And that's the funny thing about life. It truly can be whatever you want it to be! You just have to make it that! I'm on my journey! And I hope you are too.

xoxo